9 traits of a church bully

Traits of Church Bullies By Thom Rainer “Church bullying is epidemic in many of our congregations.” Church bullies are common in many churches. They wreak havoc and create dissension. They typically must have an “enemy” in the church, because they aren’t happy unless they are fighting a battle. They tend to maneuver to get an official leadership position in the church, such as chairman of the elders or deacons or treasurer. But they may have bully power without any official position. Church bullies have always been around. But they seem to be doing their work more furiously today than in recent history. Perhaps this look at nine traits of church bullies can help us recognize them before they do too much damage. 1. They do not recognize themselves as bullies. To the contrary, they see themselves as necessary heroes sent to save the church from her own self. 2. They have personal and self-serving agendas. They have determined what “their” church should look like. Any person or ministry or program that is contrary to their perceived ideal church must be eliminated. 3. They seek to form power alliances with weak members in the church. They will pester and convince groups, committees and persons to be their allies in their cause. Weaker church staff members and church members will succumb to their forceful personalities. 4. They tend to have intense and emotional personalities. These bullies use the intensity of their personalities to get their way. 5. They are famous for saying “people are saying.” They love to gather tidbits of information and shape it to their own agendas. See my previous post on this one item. 6. They find their greatest opportunities in low-expectation churches. Many of the church members have an entitlement view of church membership. They seek to get their own needs and preferences fulfilled. They, therefore, won’t trouble themselves to confront and deal with church bullies. That leads to the next issue, which is a consequence of this point 7. They are allowed to bully because church members will not stand up to them. I have spoken with pastors and church staff who have been attacked by church bullies. While the bully brings them great pain, they have even greater hurt because most of the church members stood silent and let it happen. 8. They create chaos and wreak havoc. A church bully always has his next mission. While he or she may take a brief break from one bullying mission to the next, they are not content unless they are exerting the full force of their manipulative behavior. 9. They often move to other churches after they have done their damage. Whether they are forced out or simply get bored, they will move to other churches with the same bullying mission. Some bullies have wreaked havoc in three or more churches. Church bullying is epidemic in many of our congregations. They must be stopped. In my article on Wednesday, I deal with the topic of preventing church bullying. In the meantime, let me hear from you. Thom Rainer Thom S. Rainer is the president and CEO of LifeWay Christian Resources (LifeWay.com). Among his greatest joys are his family: his wife Nellie Jo; three sons, Sam, Art, and Jess; and six grandchildren. He was founding dean of the Billy Graham School of Missions, Evangelism, and Church Growth at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. His many books include Surprising Insights from the Unchurched, The Unexpected Journey, and Breakout Churches. More from Thom Rainer or visit Thom at http://www.thomrainer.com

Stepping Up

Used from xp3 Students Stepping Up Stepping up = seeing God in your situation. What makes you nervous? Is it speaking in front of people? Starting on the basketball team? Asking someone on a date? Whatever it is, there’s a pretty good chance that it has to do with one thing: failure. We’re all afraid we’ll mess up, fail, and look foolish. In fact, that fear is the very reason that most of us step back from challenges in moments where we could step up. That was certainly the case for a group of guys in the Bible that were sent to check out the Promised Land. For most of them, the report was simple: don’t do it. Don’t go there. Step Back. Almost all of them agreed that the new land was too scary, too dangerous, and that failure was too much of a possibility. Along with his friend, one of the men had something different in his report. And as we follow along with how Joshua learned to step up and out of fear, we’ll see how God can help us do the same. And that is just it, when we see God in the situation with us we are able to step boldly in faith. So often though our vision is clouded and we forget that God is indeed the God who is with us and the God who is for us. In those moments we remember that we are able to do radical things for the Kingdom. May we have the faith of Joshua and step boldly knowing that God is with us.

Waiting on a prayer..

Recently I have been thinking a lot about Joseph, you know Joseph coat of many colors Joseph. So his dad gives him this great coat, Joseph has a great vision and we are set for incredible things to begin to happen. But as the story goes , Joseph gets thrown into a pit , traded into slavery, works his way up the ladder , falls down because of a woman and finds himself in jail trapped again. So if you do the math from the time he first has his vision /dream /gets a cool coat/ and ends up in jail years go by. Can you imagine waiting years to go by waiting for an answer to a prayer. Honestly I do not like to wait 5 seconds for God to answer my payers but to wait years. Or like Abraham and Sarah or Zacharia and Elizabeth, the scriptures are full of people who wait. Me on the other hand short change the system and when the answer is not right in front of me, I answer my own prayer. By the way this never works out well. So often in life we settle for good when God wants to give us great. Really waiting on the answer to a prayer is the core of what it means to have faith in God. Putting our trust in the knowledge that God wants what is best for us and that God's love for us never stops. It is the living out of Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. And maybe that is why it is so difficult to be patient, being patient requires trust. So as you are waiting remember that God is faithful and trust that what God has in store for you is a future Hope. Happy Waiting !

You ever wonder what is next ?

I am not real sure why I am thinking of this now but do you ever wonder what is next in your life ? Or maybe not even that big of a question but thinking while you are eating lunch , wonder what we will have for dinner? Not sure about you but I feel like I spend a lot of time asking the question what is next. And not just asking the question but actively seeking an answer or actively making up an answer. If I am honest a lot of my time is spent thinking of the future or at least what I would like the future to be and maybe it is pointless. Perhaps the real point is the waiting, perhaps the real point is sitting and being present in the now. But that is really difficult for me to do because I just want the answers. When I was in middle school I was not a huge fan of Algebra so when it came time to do my homework I did what any 8th grader would do, I turned to the back of the book to find the answers. It worked out great, I did really well in Algebra 1 and made it past 8th grade. Well it worked really well until I got to Algebra 2 and the answers were not in the back of the book anymore. Needless to say I struggled with Algebra 2 a lot , in fact I loved it so much I did it twice. The point being had I have really taken the time to learn Algebra 1 , Algebra 2 would not have been so difficult but I wanted to get to what was next. Once I got there I only found that it was not so great because I missed the stuff that would have made the next great , better, easier. As we leave the Advent season , the season of waiting I have realized I have missed the point, I just wanted Jesus to hurry up and get here and I missed all of the lessons you learn while you are just waiting, persevering and learning what you need to learn in a particular season. I am at next and missed the things that would have made it great. I do not want to wonder what is next and miss what is here now. So that is my prayer. Lord help me to be present today , help me to see you where you show up today, lead me by the still water today, teach me what I need to know just for today. May your next be filled with waiting today.

What is real worship ...

As you may know I lead worship for our students, staff and Senior Adult at UMFS (United Methodist Family Services) www.umfs.org, once every month. This is a time where we gather with everyone to share in what God is doing in our lives and pray for one another. We sing a few songs, hear and respond to the Word and spend time together in prayer. Nothing fancy but I feel as if I experience more of what the church is supposed to be there then I do anywhere else. Yesterday for example we sang," Lord I lift your name on High" and I know before you judge me on the song choice or lack of Spiritual depth of the song consider this. The young lady who was helping me lead this song has bounced around from foster family, to treatment center to foster family most of her life. She has substance abuse issues, family issues and issue issues. She is a mess. But yesterday in singing this song something happened in this broken mess of a person singing, God was doing a transforming work in her life. She sang that song loud and out of tune but it was beautiful because it was real. Out of the depth of her brokenness she was singing a new song, it was amazing. As she sang ' Lord I lift your name on high, Lord I love to sing your praises, I’m so glad you’re in my life, I’m so glad you came to save us" It became her prayer. In response one of the senior adults from Guardian Place stood and said this is what church is to look like " a gathering of the beautiful broken lifting the Lords name on high". She was right. It is not about the song choice or cool video or what prayer we pray or not. If we use the lectionary or a sermon series, the point is the beautiful broken lifting their hearts together to the one that brings order out of chaos and new creation out of death. This is why we worship. At the close of worship this same girl who sang Lord I lift your name on high closed with the Jason Mraz song I want give up. She sang When I look into your eyes It's like watching the night sky Or a beautiful sunrise Well, there's so much they hold And just like them old stars I see that you've come so far To be right where you are How old is your soul? Well, I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up Maybe it is just a song or perhaps it is a sacred prayer of how God's love if for us, regardless I left our time together yesterday knowing that God was and is at work in our world and every now and again we are aware enough to notice.

A Place to belong ..

A Place To Belong By Rev. Joe Torrence There is a restaurant down the street from where I work. Every day after work, it is full of young adults eating food from local food trucks and hanging out in the parking lot. The place is not really that nice. There are a few picnic tables. It is outside. It has no air conditioning and no comfy chairs. Nothing screams young and cool. But, every afternoon they flock to this local establishment. They come from all walks of life; young bankers and business people, artists and poets, and even the occasional clergy person. They come; they gather; they connect and they often stay late into the night. They have found what we are all looking for, a place to belong. As I am thinking about the question “where are all of the young clergy?” It leads me to another question, “where are the 20-30 year olds in our congregations?” The answer is looking for community, looking for a place to fit in. It drives everything from the work we do, to what we do for recreation and who we have dinner with. Is there anyone out there who gets me for me? Recently, studies have shown how most mainline denominations have lost tons of people over the last few years and decades. There are fewer youth and young adults in our congregations than there were just 20 years ago. The average age in our denomination continues to go up because we are losing more and more young people. In Richmond, where I live, the kickball league participation and wiffle ball clubs have sky rocketed over the last five years. The point is 20-30 year olds are looking for a place to find community, and they are creating their own. And it isn’t just any community, but a community that is authentic, real and tangible. The folks who show up to the restaurant are not just eating and socializing, they are doing life together. They are friends walking through life together. Sometimes a messy life, but they stick around for one another. The kickball team does the same. There is something powerful about doing life together in a real sort of way, all of the good things and not so good things. We find relationships that are real, and we commit ourselves to the place we found it. I mean that is what Jesus did, he gathered his 12 together and they did life together. He even had an inner circle who really knew him. In fact, Jesus said in John 15:15 I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends. NRSV Jesus is surrounding himself with community, real relationships, people who knew him well and that he was connected to. I have a pastor friend and we were talking about friendships in the church. He said “I don’t think I have ever had a real friend in my church, certainly know one who really knew me”. I find that incredibly disappointing. We all need others. We need each other. If I were a young clergy, I know that I would not want to sign up for a life of solitude, a life of no authentic relationships, or no place to belong. And if our congregations see us as real people who have authentic relationships like Jesus did with his disciples, there is a powerful witness in that. We, as ministers, are real life examples of not having it all together. But, God’s grace is working in our lives. This reality is what young clergy and young adults are searching for because realness leads to belonging and belonging to transformation. That is the Gospel. Doing life together and being a community is the church in its most pure form. When we are with people as Jesus was, we show a life of healing, compassion, inclusion and restoration. It becomes less about the issues and more about a relationship. It becomes about community. Of course, a relational God wants us to be relational. That is how it all makes sense. In the end, to see more young adults and clergy in our congregations, it requires us to be authentic now, to seek relationships with others, and to live the Good News out in those relationships. In so doing, we will be a part of a transformational community that is inviting others to join. Doing life together, no matter what that crazy life may look like. When we do that, kickball and restaurants will have nothing on the church, Jesus said so.

Abound in love...

1 Thessalonians 3:12 - And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, just as we abound in love for you. NRSV As some of you may know I have taken a new position at UMFS or United Methodist Family Services as the Chaplain. I have only been here for a few week but have already experienced the incredible ways God is at work here. The following is an introduction to our call as the church of sharing the love of God. Personal information has been changed but the story is no less true. Jake, age 12, has a story that is not that uncommon to UMFS. Jake was taken from his biological parents because his father was incarcerated and his mother suffered from a mental illness. Over the next several years he would be in and out of foster care and other intensive residential care. Jake is now at United Methodist Family Services, a ministry, we as the Church, support. During his time at UMFS, he has experienced a love that knows no bounds and is being equipped with the knowledge and skills he needs to succeed in life. UMFS has also helped Jake find a family that will continue this loving support. Jake is finding hope and this is evidenced through the future that is ahead for Jake, made possible through love. It is love for one another and love for all. It is this sort of love that we are called to Abound in and to share with others. May we never forget that we love because God first loved us.